


Golem Gone Wrong

by Anonymous



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Early Nabatean golem with wonky programming (sex bot), Fire Emblem: Three Houses Church Route Spoilers, Multi, Post-Timeskip | War Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), basically a crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:49:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24359839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Fill for a request on the FETH Kink Meme for a sex golem on the loose, and all of the shenanigans that ensue when it is accidentally released at Garreg Mach.
Relationships: Annette Fantine Dominic/Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert & Flayn, Caspar von Bergliez/Hilda Valentine Goneril, Catherine/Shamir Nevrand/Gatekeeper, Ferdinand von Aegir/Dorothea Arnault
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21
Collections: Anonymous





	Golem Gone Wrong

Down in the depths of Garreg Mach, beyond the reach of the Abyss, was a top secret storeroom, where some of Archbishop Rhea’s greatest sources of shame were hidden. Seteth had taken charge of the inventory after the worst atrocity had been stored away in the dark depths—Flayn would never think to look down here for every copy of the Kama Sutra he’d found in Fodlan. He’d installed ten locks on the heavy iron door, and kept the keys in a secret compartment in his desk.

Sadly, he never anticipated the day that Flayn had had enough of his controlling ways. The young woman was indeed a master at listening at keyholes. One night when her father had gotten really drunk with Professor Manuela sitting on the desk in his office, he’d confessed where he’d locked away all of the illustrated volumes. Flayn, who was conveniently in the hallway, decided to take back what was rightfully her entitlement to knowledge.

She struck the next day, liberating the keys while Seteth was sleeping off his bad hangover. Ashe owed her a favor, and she planned to collect—the man did have a magic touch with locks, after all.

It took a very disgruntled Ashe no less than fifteen minutes to open the door, swearing to Flayn that this was the last time he was ever going to do this, and he hoped whatever she wanted was worth all of the effort. She went inside and immediately found a mountain of books, every single naughty volume Seteth had confiscated from her over the years.

“Finally!” she crowed, clutching the books in her arms. Forbidden knowledge was the sweetest of all.

Her cry of joy soon turned to horror, when a giant hand reached out from the darkness and took back the Kama Sutra she held. Flayn and Ashe looked up, open-mouthed, as a giant golem stepped into their feeble lantern light.

“Oh dear...” Flayn whispered. “This  _ thing _ is stored in here?”

“What is  _ that _ ?” Ashe hissed.

“Back in St. Seiros’ day, these golems were created as part of an army,” Flayn hissed back. “This was the one of the first prototypes. And it didn’t program properly because of...”

Her face flushed when she remembered the exact reason why—it had found her copy of the Kama Sutra.

“We need to run!” she grabbed his arm, and sped away, books forgotten.

“What’s going on?” Ashe shouted as they broke into a run. “Why is it so dangerous?”

“Because it’s a sex golem!” she shouted. “It has an insatiable appetite. Why on earth did my brother lock away sex books in there with it all of this time? It’s probably gotten more ideas!”

“Wait, those were sex books?!”

Although Flayn and Ashe managed to evade the humping golem in the underground passages, other members of the monastery were not so lucky. The golem had been locked up for hundreds of years, with nothing to occupy it but the growing collection of naughty works Seteth regularly added into the storeroom. It had learned all of the positions known to mankind, and it was ready to show off its knowledge.

When it finally made its way into the monastery grounds, it immediately sought out one of its kind, but the closest thing it could locate was a copy of the statue of St. Cethleann that Ignatz had been sculpting. He’d left it outside near the dormitories to cure before heading to the war room for the all-hands tactics meeting.

The golem—who had a big smiley face, thanks to a Nabatean engineer with a twisted sense of humor—quickly acquainted itself with the statue, prodding at it with its spectacularly sculpted hard-on. It might have pounded the statue into dust in its zeal when it was interrupted by a group of former Blue Lions students who were walking back to the dormitories.

“What the fuck is that?!” Felix shouted, walking by with Annette and Sylvain.

Annette stared at it so long, she ran into a barrel and faceplanted into Felix’s back.

Both her and Felix’s faces turned crimson as they watched the golem demonstrating its prowess, and they quickly jumped apart before their repressed hormones got ideas.

“Um… Felix… I think it thinks that statue is, um...”

“Holy shit, that thing has got some thrusting power!” said Sylvain from behind them. “It’s literally pounding a hole into Ignatz’s statue of St. Cethleann. Dayum, boy, way to give her one!”

The three of them blanched when the golem seemed to hear them, and turned around mid-thrust. It stood with a literal stone erection two feet long, and regarded them in silence. For a long moment, all was still, other than the breeze blowing a few tumbleweeds across the cobblestoned walk.

Then all hell broke loose, as it made for Felix.

“Goddessdamn it, I’m not going to be molested by a fucking golem just because my name starts with an F!” he shouted. Grabbing a bewildered Annette, he threw her over his shoulder, her legs hanging over his rear for protection, and bolted for the closest dorm room, which happened to be The Professor’s.

Sylvain watched them slam the door and laughed, wondering if Felix would finally get up the nerve to do more with Annette than blush—and in the Professor’s bed, no less! Even he hadn’t tried that one yet.

Then the golem turned its smiling face at him, and took a step forward.

“Hey there, big fella, nice to see you looking so motivated,” Sylvain raised his hands, backing away. “I mean, I’d really appreciate a tip or two on technique, but I'm certain I’m not what you’re looking for. Kind of have the wrong equipment, hahaha.”

Sylvain crashed into the door of the training grounds, and with a mighty shout of “Holy shit!” ran for his life. The happy face golem was steps away, reaching for his waistband, when Ingrid, who had ears attuned to his voice in case he was up to shenanigans, happened to be flying on patrol with her pegasus. She swooped down and Sylvain flung himself over the saddle and they took off, narrowly escaping the golem’s clutches.

“What is that thing?!” Ingrid demanded. “What did you do to it?!”

“I swear, it’s a sex fiend all on its own! It’s scary enough to make me consider abstinence!”

They flew away to find Seteth, the resident expert on golems, hoping he would know how to subdue it. Before they returned with reinforcements, the golem continued its rampage, disturbing several cavorting couples in the hedgerows. Dorothea scrambled for cover half-naked, with Ferdinand hastily pulling his pants up behind her, while Hilda and Caspar made a break for it in the opposite direction, struggling back into their clothes. Catherine, Shamir, and the Gatekeeper, who were getting busy against the cold wall near the stables, had to run for the hills when the golem created a hole in the wall and went to town.

It finally took six battalions of mages, wyvern riders, almost all of the former Academy students—except Felix and Annette, who were conspicuously absent, as well as Flayn and Ashe—and a very angry, still hungover Seteth to defeat the golem. Dorothea and Hanneman were forced to cast meteor to the near breaking point before all that was left of the golem was half of its smiling face and the tip of its stone cock.

“What the fuck just happened?” Marianne said out loud, and blushed when everyone applauded. Everyone but Seteth, who was most seriously displeased.

“FLAYN!” Seteth roared. “You can’t hide forever! We need to have a little chat.”

And that was the tale of the sex golem, told with great gusto by Sylvain for the rest of his life, although he equally relished the story of Professor Byleth walking in on the future Duke and Duchess of Fraldarius getting busy in her room.

**Author's Note:**

> Written in the dead of night with a fit of the giggles. Hope it's up to standards!


End file.
